21
May
10

apologetic

[my own photo! yay! don’t have to copy from google again!]

if i can turn back the time (to you who think that this topic is absolutely nonsense, stop reading now)

there’s this one thing that i would cancel.

i’d like to cancel my very own 17th birthday party,

why?

it’s really very complicated,

let me tell you about what 17th birthday party means to a chinese indonesian girl

for most of the girls in my family, school. neighborhood, 17th birthday party is sacred,

you have to celebrate it with a party, the size and the luxury level of the party depends on your parents

the luxurious ones are beyond imagination, it’s too long to explain, but just to make you understand

they can invite famous pop star to sing a duet, or just to hold them in a knight costume, while the girl wears princess like gown, they can have crazy decoration just like they want, the event organizer will make it real for them.

my older cousins all have their 17th birthday party in a expensive restaurant, worn their gorgeous gown, have a dance floor time, great decoration etc, and so my aunts want me to have similar party too. and my mom also want me to have this kind of party because you know, everyone will expect me to have a decent birthday party because of my cousins previous parties and the culture in our society.

at that time i thought, it’s what everybody wants, it’s what everybody talks about in school, you know, what will you wear for what party, who will they invite at the party, what pop star or famous handsome model will be in the rich girl’s party, so okay, i’ll do it, haha.

of course since my parents are not rich, they’re average you know, we never plan to have big party for me, so my other family made donations for me so that i can have a decent party, which is very nice and thoughtful, i’m VERY VERY thankful for what they’ve done for me, they were thinking of me and don’t want me to be sad because i didn’t have any “big” party for my 17th.

i went to a lot of gown designer place, tried a lot of gowns, and have a blue gown at my party, nice right? i love blue! i got to celebrate at a golf club restaurant, which have beautiful outdoor restaurant, great night view, moonlight and stars view, and so i can have firework at my birthday night (i know, SO COOL!)

i have my aunt and cousin to help me decide on the food menu, since they were loyal guests for that restaurant, they knew the best dishes. my cousin olivia made home made tiramisu cake, it was so delicious that a lot of my friend were accusing me egoistic for not sharing where was the cake ordered, they didn’t believe me that my cousin made those cakes on her own (she is a le cordon blue graduate you know).  so the food was very satisfying even though it’s not 5 stars hotel’s food.

and i got a very pretty make up that day, even the salon insisted to make me send the close-up photo to them because they want to hang it (wow, it’s a very big compliment for me, i don’t know if it’s for real or they just ask this questions to every girl to make her happy), i wore a wig on my head, which let me transform to a very pretty princess, with fresh pink rose crown (so fresh that it’s still cold and watery).

i have a great birthday cake, and right after the pastor prayed for me and for the party, i have a little speech which as i remembered, no one really listened to, then i got to cut my cake, right after that there is an awesome firework, and the party begin, there’s an MC, and the rest is a lot of games by my friends conducted by the MC.

wow, isn’t it an ideal party? i got more than i wanted, a lot of friends came, a lot of family came, everybody told me that i’m pretty, but you know what.

right after i cut my cake, i gave the first cake to a boy in my class, who’s very funny but often got teased and laughed at class, so i gave it to him as an apology for laughing at him at class. then i sat , all alone, not knowing what to do, because my parents were happily chatting with my relatives, my friends they are chatting and having the time of their life at their own tables, so i don’t know what to do, i just sit on a chair, and got really bored, then i thought, is this having the “dream” party feels like? is this worth all the money and effort to make this party happens? is this worth all sufferings for make up and very heavy hair do? all is for others to be happy ??

but what about me? i was definitely not happy, all i want is just how to make the time move faster so everything can be over, and i can go home and get some sleep. this was not a happy birthday party!!

everyone thinks that it’s what i want, everyone thinks that i’m happy with it, but let me tell you, it’s not, it’s what my aunts and relatives want me to do, it’s what my friends and school mates expect me to do, and it’s what i expect for myself to want, but in the end, it’s not.

let me repeat this, i’m very very thankful for all the efforts my parents made, i’m really thankful for my relatives who sincerely want me to have a day when i can dress up, got pretty, and having my happy time with my friends, nothings wrong with that.

what i want to say is that, look into yourself, and ask, what about your life, my college, is this what i want? is this what my parents want? is this what i expect and tells myself to like? don’t carelessly make a target or a purpose that you do not really want, you’ll not reach it, or, when you reach it, you’ll get a very big hole in your heart, and feels empty. don’t live other person’s life, don’t live the life your parents, your relatives, your society want you to live, but live your true life calling.

i learn a lot from this, and i promise you, although there is a person who’s willing to donate big money for my wedding party, i won’t have any big party, sounds very arrogant, i don’t care, i don’t want to live up to the public expectations, i want to live up God’s expectations and calling for me.

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2 Responses to “apologetic”


  1. 1 wilsontiophotography
    May 28, 2010 at 9:56 am

    Great post.. Imagine what you want a lot! so u can grab it more concretely. Btw, le cordon bleu graduate!!!W.O.W

  2. June 16, 2010 at 11:04 pm

    and she’s just spending her time taking care of her baby…
    (talk about a piece of certificate being wasted)
    i really wished to see her open her own restaurant though…
    if not, it’s too bad… that means you can never taste her legendary tiramisu, haha


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